I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
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They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
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No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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