woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She even gives head with a lisp.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Randomize
