I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Naked. naked and bneed help.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
