i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You may now shotgun with the bride
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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