my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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