I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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