I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
