I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
