I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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