Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
