Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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