I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
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My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
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Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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