Just cropdusted the office
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
