He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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