Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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