This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
