I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
