The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Houston, we have a blender
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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