I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
