Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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