if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Someone signed my nipple.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
