My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
