I wish my penis had an off switch
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
