i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
