i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
