with your own penis?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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