Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
