Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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