if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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