I didn't shave. On purpose
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?