If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.