Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
