possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
