Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she smelled like a LAN party
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
