Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
