There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
