I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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