You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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