My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize
