So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
