I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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