dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
