Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
