Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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