May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
