The maid of honor just puked.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
