My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
