fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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