We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.