so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress