We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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