What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
