How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
