I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
