my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
