Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I cannot find my penis.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
