that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
