In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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