I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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