If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
