i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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