Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
