What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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