The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
