8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
